just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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