He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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