My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
