I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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