i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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