Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
