When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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