I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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