An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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