Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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