...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
where does the pee come out of this thing
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
