I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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