I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
