Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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