Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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