cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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