I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
