Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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