ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
