when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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