I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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