another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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