can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
