he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
