She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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