I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
