the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Sorry my hands just texted you
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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