I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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