Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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