That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
