for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize