I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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