I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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