sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
