you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize