Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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