I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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