he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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