Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
