Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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