god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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