quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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