I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
