Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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