STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
