My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
