I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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