I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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