i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
