He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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