You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
