Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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