for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
