im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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