Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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