that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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