No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
