I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
