Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
