I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
