now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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