Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i drank out of a bidet.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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