6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My dick has a subreddit
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
