oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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