Yo dont text me then not text me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
