I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize