For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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