i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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