We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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