I can text with my tongue
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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