My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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