She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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